The Pipe Bomb #3: Call Of Duty

Before we begin another adventure down the old road, I must admit, I actually did play the Call Of Duty games, mostly when I had a PS3, and for a majority, I did enjoy the campaign, but could never get into the extra stuff, besides multiplayer (I.E. Nazi Zombies, etc.)

Now that I’ve gotten past the sob and sappy parts, I must ask “Do I Have Everybody’s Attention Now?” If so, let’s begin destroying the Mt. Everest of first-person shooters for what it’s guilty of.

I. Multiplayer Madness 

If you’ve had no spare time on your hands, or have been living in colonial America while the rest of us are comfortably in the 21st century, YouTube’s been flooded with Call Of Duty commentaries much like the first month of GTA V’s multiplayer user base. Hell, if you look up someone named “El Presador” there, you’ll find hours of either genuine rage towards the plethora of BS in the game, or just one good entertainer. I personally find him funny not because he sucks at the game, but because he makes playing it entertaining, whether its his split personality with his son, commanding under General Ginsing, or even the maddening and bipolar Irish Iranian, he makes watching commentaries funny as ever. But watching someone else play and playing multiplayer for yourself are two different things.

When it comes to playing multiplayer, it’s about as broken as it can get. With undelivered and misleading promises of dedicated servers for Call Of Duty Ghosts, the system gamers received was a shitty hybrid system not even the hardcore fanboy can defend.

Next, a subsection of the multiplayer base takes a look at the kinds of people that play COD’s multiplayer. If you pictured actual gamers playing fairly, you’d be wrong. What you expect is people rushing around maps in competitive gameplay, but what you get in the outcome is people who camp their asses off and call it “strategic gameplay.” If camping is strategic, then that makes Selina Kyle and Pamela Lillian Isley friends. Camping is cheap and anyone who does so is a damn noob, hell, it’s even cheaper than 12-year-old noob tubers who have no damn clue to play. Unlike noob tubers, you couldn’t kill a camper if they had a “kill me” sign on their back.

If you look at the past games multiplayer, you’d know they either’d be hacked to infinity or just collect shelf dust. The hacks, glitches, and mods in games just send me off the deep end into insanity. Whether it’s glitching outside the map or enabling “God mode” hacks and glitches, and even what I call “bitch switching” or known as a lag switch in a COD game don’t surprise me to any end because you’ll always encounter the “Kill-Death Whores” who only care about their K/D ratio, and will do anything to keep it above a 3 K/D because they think it’s somehow relevant to actual life success. If that were the case, human civilization would have no hope for the future, and frat boy wannabes along with 12-year-old innate morons would run humanity into obscurity. Hell, every November, these are the only people you’d see in line at launch pre-ordering the game because they need their junkie fix.

II. Repetitive “Prevent World War III” Storytelling

While I appreciated the nomenclature and noir of World War II, apparently, the ass hats at Infinity Ward got tired of every game in the same setting and time traveled to present day with Modern Warfare, thus beginning the rinse and repeat “prevent World War 3″ storyline from happening in every god damn game, with the exception of World At War, which was the last game to set in WW II, and Black Ops, which set itself during Vietnam. Modern warfare stories have limited plot arc. Now that I think about it, while playing in the WW II setting was fun the first time, playing it three times over with the same 3 perspectives of the Russians, the Brits, and Americans is boring.

If I wanted to play as a one-dimensional character, I’d torture myself with Duke Nukem Forever, because even that decade and a half abomination would be better than saving the world from the copy and pasted terrorists for the billionth time. If Call Of Duty is the Tom Clancy of storytelling, I’ll be the first one in line for the free lobotomy with Jack Kevorkian. Neither Infinity Ward or Treyarch could tell a convincing story if Santa, the Easter Bunny, and Uncle Sam were all real characters set within the same universe.

III. “COD Killers” & Defenders Of Mediocrity 

Crysis 3, Battlefield 3, Battlefield 4, along with other FPS games have the same element in common; they’ve all failed to kill COD. Every game titled as a “COD Killer” puts more pressure on developers to place features that make their games different from COD. Personally, the only “COD Killer” is COD itself. It’ll eat itself into a diabetic coma in no time. The repetitive gameplay, bland story, and cheap multiplayer, while it brings in billions of dollars, all it takes is for one person to close their wallet to convince others to follow suit.

Finally, those who defend COD as a good game just need to be silenced. COD is not a good game, it’s quite the opposite. It’s a shit storm of mediocrity that’s copied and pasted the same formula for over 10 years while making billions hand over fist and taking advantage of zombie gamers, and passing off monotonous map packs every year bundled into a “shit pass” for almost the same amount of the MSRP price of the base god damn game…maps that should be included in the game to begin with, and yet millions flock to buy the season pass to have the “complete game.” If the base maps suck, why would I spend almost the same price I got the game on day one to complete said game when it should include said maps?

The backwards hat frat boy brigade and 12-year-old jackasses flock to Call Of Duty because they consider it a good game, yet fail to see the same bowl of Cheerios they’ve been eating for 10 years became stale after a month of every yearly release. If you want to defend mediocrity and call it the second coming of Christ, go ahead, I’ll just sit in the corner and laugh at you while playing an actual good game.

To conclude, Call Of Duty is nothing more than a rinse and repeat cycle that’s manipulated gamers for years, and I for one will not stand for it anymore, so screw you Infinity Ward, Treyarch, and Activision in one fell swoop, and ignore you fanboys who defend and accept mediocrity while calling it the second coming. You’ve all just been pipe bombed.