The Pipe Bomb #2: Capcom

After a shaky debut “pipe bomb,” I return to deliver nuggets of information and take the stage with metaphorical microphone in hand. Next on the chopping block is the once-legendary standard for gaming companies, now sitting in the metaphorical “mortgage state of a Monopoly game,” known as Capcom.

As it will be from now on, before we begin, I must ask “Do I have everybody’s attention now?” Let’s begin.

In the ’90s, Capcom was known as the bar-setting, game-changing, hell-raising icon of the video game industry. Now, they’re reduced to nothing more than the equivalent of a turd that just won’t flush, and trust me, in the “metaphorical video game toilet,” they’ve dropped a lot of crap onto gamers.

While Capcom is guilty of a lot, no issue I bring up is more important than any other I list, because while Capcom was trying to control damage, it’s like trying to put makeup on a pig, at the end of the day, no matter how cute you try to dress the pig, it’s still a pig.

I. Watering Down Resident Evil 

While I think this is the biggest atrocity Capcom has been known for, they were quoted as saying the survival-horror genre was simply too small for the Resident Evil series, especially in the U.S., and needed the fast-paced action that games like Call Of Duty are known for.

Resident Evil needing fast-paced action set pieces written Michael Bay-style is like saying the majority of Elm Street fans preferred Freddy’s Revenge as their favorite sequel, and that’s about as deep an argument as trying to prove the conspiracies behind JFK’s assassination. You could write a thesis about how survival-horror games basically made Capcom the giant they are, and they’d still ignore you while you’re sitting in the proverbial corner with your nose against the wall while Satan himself brands you with a pitchfork and labeling you a gluttonous, greedy fat ass at an all-you-can-eat buffet where the main course is consumer loyalty.

While RE4 was the first sign that things were going more action-oriented, many praised the change, not knowing the evil plot of whoring out the franchise to the FPS fanboys who wouldn’t know a good game if it were tattooed on their ass.

“Looking at the marketing data [for survival horror games] … the market is small, compared to the number of units Call of Duty and all those action games sell,” he said. “A ‘survival horror’ Resident Evil doesn’t seem like it’d be able to sell those kind of numbers.”

The series dove faster to video game hell in the eyes of dedicated fans faster than Stephen Glass’ knowledge of difference between truth and fiction. Masachika Kawata saying returning to their survival horror roots being not a viable option to continue with in place for the abominations known as Resident Evil 5, Resident Evil 6 and Resident Evil: Operation Raccoon City, is like trying to defend a serial rapist with the “I didn’t know she was underage defense.” Putting quick-time events in RE games makes about as much sense as giving the keys to the asylum to wayward patients.

II. Mega Man Legends 3 Cancellation 

While I may know as much about Mega Man as a 10-year-old knows quantum physics if you don’t have a Sheldon Cooper-sized brain, I do know Mega Man was one of Capcom’s iconic franchises. Canceling Mega Man Legends 3 and blaming fans is like peeing in a dog’s face and not expecting him to bite your privates off. A little thing called common sense must’ve flew over Capcom’s executives at their annual shareholder’s meeting. If there wasn’t a secret evil bad guy organization pushing the “fuck you button” on Mega Man, I’d be somewhat convinced that their execs didn’t want to actually do this to their fans, thus pushing them off the proverbial cliff.

An article on MTV Geek stated Capcom canceling the game was pointed directly at the fans.

“As the composer of that tweet eventually tried to explain, the remark was intended to be a lament that the Devroom didn’t achieve its aims as a marketing tool, not that the fans of the game were somehow responsible for the cancellation of the game. In any case, it obviously didn’t come out that way, and the backpedaling was evidently too little too late.

Incidentally, the Devroom was never meant to serve as a primary gauge of “marketability” or whatever-we knew this was hardcore stuff. But it bears noting that the Pan-Western Devroom was US-led and Europe’s involvement was secondary, so I would chalk that sentiment up to that one individual’s misconception of the project, or else just poor wording.”

Like I said, spitting in the face of die-hard fans of the franchise is about as smart as asking Red Forman to stick his foot in your ass. You can try to dress the situation any way you choose to, but you can’t fool everyone all the time, because some of us know what you’re plotting behind closed doors, even if you issue a politically correct statement as damage control, it still wouldn’t put a fire out on a high rise if the only thing you had was a bottle of water.

III. MVC, UMVC3, DMC, Street Fighter & Other Unethical DLC

While I save the worst for last, Capcom had a huge fan base when it came to fighting games in the ’90s. The thing some people don’t understand, while there were a load of Street Fighter II iterations, it’s because they had to make a whole new game to fix bugs and glitches, because there wasn’t a thing called the Internet in the ’90s like we have now, where a simple update or patch can be put on a server and downloaded.

First up to bat is MVC 3 and UMVC 3. Possibly one of the best fighting franchises out there, due to the huge roster selection of Marvel vs. Capcom 2, Capcom went full gore for money when it came to extra characters and skins. How do skins make the game any better? Sure it provides alternate costumes, but it’s like dressing an emo kid in Abercrombie & Fitch, it doesn’t make a difference.

While noble in its original intention, developers stated that UMVC 3 was never supposed to be a full retail purchase, but only DLC, which would’ve been fine, but whatever turd decided to make UMVC 3 a full retail game must’ve been eating the proverbial paint chips during the managerial meeting and passed them around to everyone. Like in mind with Street Fighter 4, this is the same case because there were plenty of editions after the original game that should’ve been DLC, but were full retail games due to the Scrooge McDuck mentality of Capcom executives, not the game creators mind you, but the ones in actual charge, the management. Being able to use $50 bills as toilet paper doesn’t make you better than the average consumer, it just makes you a greedy, soulless piece of shit. No where on the box does it say that you will have to buy the other third of the game later on. If it’s on the disc, it should be accessible to everyone, not behind an invisible pay wall.

Finally, the last piece of Capcom crap that they’re guilty of, that I know at least is the controversies surrounding the Devil May Cry remake and the Azura’s Wrath “true ending DLC.”

While I’m not a DMC fanboy, I can certainly understand the hatred towards Capcom for making Dante a drugged out emo kid who has a hidden razor blade in his pocket looking for an excuse to cut himself. Dante was badass in the original DMC games.

Finally, Azura’s Wrath’s “true ending.” The only way anyone could access the true ending of the game was to attain a certain amount of S ranks in the game, or waiting to buy it. Why not just make the “true ending” the actual ending of the game itself? It’s all a money ploy, and at this point, Capcom is bleeding for it, and some, like myself wouldn’t feel sorry for Capcom if they did go out of business, because they did it to themselves.

Capcom, in closing, you Scrooge McDuck, suit-wearing, rear kissing pricks have turned your backs on your fans to suit the almighty dollar corporate suits while tossing the salad for COD fanboys who stand in line every year for a re-skinned game, while trying to bleed out our wallets for your own greed. Capcom, this “pipe bomb” (a.k.a. dose of truth)  is for you. Whether you agree or disagree with me, I encourage discussion.

Sources: MTV Geek; Gamasutra; Game Kudos